I Give Up Sanity for Lent

With a mere 10 days to go before Ash Wednesday, thoughts should already have been turned to what we will be giving up for Lent. Since yesterday's entry fell somewhat short of the 500-word minimum I have set as a daily goal, it seems logical to start there and give up writing for Lent. Somehow, though, this just does not seem to be honest or even logical. The writing is what is supposed to get me out of isolation mode and back into some semblance of normal daily social intercourse with people around me.

I still find it difficult to verbally communicate unless it is on a humorous level. The problem there is that I go from one subject to the next in a manic mode that allows me to make these verbal leaps and bounds that leave my listeners wondering just what it is I am trying to say. Among the dangers in this type of communication is the fact that I often find myself choking in my own dust as I head down the old conversational dirt road, wondering how I got so far behind myself while that other part of me is way up ahead, yakking on and on. Finally catching up to myself, it nearly always comes down to being embarrassed at not knowing what subject had started this entire stream of verbiage, strung out like so much litter along the road behind me, scraps of which can be seen caught in the weeds of the drainage ditch or stuck by the wind to my listener's pant leg.

There are times when I can pull it all back together but not until after I have spent an awkward period of silence, self-consciously gathering up all the loose pieces of thought, trying to fit all the litter into my brain for sorting. This is not as easy as it seems. Mary once told me that I have all these thoughts, words, phrases and ideas in my brain. She told me that between my brain and my mouth there should be a filter, but there are many times when the filter is missing. In short, this brain is loaded and is liable to go off at any time. Upon firing its load, this brain tries to find the lighter side of just about anything. Levity can be a great medicine but there are times when its use is contraindicated. It is differentiating between proper and improper times for its use that has me seeking an alternative means of communication. This is when the trouble begins.

Speaking of the weather is no good simply because nothing can be done about it. Sports hold no interest for me. I do manage to hold up my end of the converstion when it comes to freshwater fishing, but am living next to a fairly large body of saltwater. People around here do no go in much for freshwater fishing. I know nothing about cars. In short, when it comes to talking about what are supposed to be, "man topics," I am left far, far behind and usually keep very quiet, trying not to look lost and stupid. With the exception noted, all else simply is depressing and can put my mind in a downward spiral that rapidly picks up speed and goes out of control. Then it is time to leave for some "me" time or a nap, which amounts to about the same thing. Either way, I am back to isolation mode.

This is why I have come to the conclusion that I shall be giving up sanity for Lent. Just seems to be the best way to handle it. No fuss, no muss, no real change is required. God will get me for this one some day. Pray for me.