Stops and Starts - with Some Infliction of Indignity

Speaking of the evocative power of music as we were in the last entry: I must say I find underwhelming the lack of response to my call for a song to be played here at St. Vincent's whenever someone's constipation finally lets go. My argument is brief and I will repeat it here.

The Argument, Briefly Stated: A few bars of a lullaby are played upon the birth of every child here. Why the birth canal should get sole attention here is beyond me. Anyone who has experienced a stoppage of the alimentary canal can surely agree that the re-opening of the works is song-worthy. The question remains, "What song?"

My message to the nurses here whenever I come for one of my periodic visits is that I will attempt to be as low maintenance as possible. "Low maintenance" takes on quite a different meaning when the lower portion of the alimentary canal simply clamps down. Lots of screaming for a LaMaze coach and an epidural ensue while one ponders the claim that childbirth is the worst pain of them all. I am more than ready to argue this point. I would never say childbirth is not painful; I simply am ready for a good argument over something that cannot be empirically proven by either side. That's one way in which constipation affects my mind.

"I'm Drinking Canada Dry," would do for the amount of fluids I have been taking, but that only covers effort and not the results of the act. Yes, the effort is extraordinary and, for my money, I could sit on the toilet listening to The Pretenders singing Back on the Chain Gang all day long for all the good the effort seems to do. Maybe the Cowboy Junkies could come up with something. Their Cheap is How I Feel, is close but doesn't quite cover it, although it would cover some of the procedures involved. After today's bout and resultant resolution, the "procedures involved" had me asking the nurse if we are now engaged and if she will respect me in the morning. A leering, "No, on both counts," has left me feeling cheap and degraded.

There are specific lines in certain songs that would cover the situation, such as those great words from Chantilly Lace originally sung by The Big Bopper and later on by Jerry Lee Lewis: "Makes you feel real loose, like a long-neck goose, ooh, baby, that's what I like." Maybe there is not an entire song and there is the possibility that a line taken out of context such as the one just mentioned may have to suffice. This does not seem fair to me, however, so the search goes on.